We’ve all heard the phrase before: lust is just “every man’s battle.” This idea is so common that it has become the norm to assume that, at some point in a man’s life, this struggle is part of his story. While it’s valuable to create more openness around this topic, what happens if you’re a woman grappling with this battle? A woman might find numerous support groups for eating disorder recovery, but there are few, if any, resources available for those struggling with lust. Almost every book on the subject is geared toward men, leaving women without dedicated resources.
Typically, women who struggle with lustful behaviors will seek out help for their anxiety or depression instead of addressing the core issue. Things such as a porn addiction or sexual wounds can feel like an awkward topic to discuss as well as feel particularly shameful for a woman to confront a problem often perceived as a man's issue. This pattern only intensifies the shame, which in turn exacerbates the behaviors.
While there may be trends, sin is not characterized by gender.
God created all of us—both male and female—with desire. Sex is not a gift reserved only for men. The human problem lies in taking good gifts from God and pursuing them above God. Since both males and females are given sex and desire, this is not a gender issue but a human issue. Whether sex is something you love more than God or live life in fear and avoidance of, its presence is not dependent upon gender.
If gender is not the prerequisite for unwanted sexual behaviors, then what is?
When it comes to our stories of pain, behaviors tend to manifest in two ways: reversing and re-enacting. When sexual brokenness occurs—such as witnessing a parent watching pornography or experiencing sexual abuse—our brains struggle to cope with what has happened, something that was never meant to occur.
In the case of re-enacting, if this type of life is all you’ve ever known, you might assume that this is just how things are, leading you to believe that such behaviors are normal or that this is simply what everyone does. After years of habit, you can become entrenched in these behaviors without ever questioning them.
On the other hand, with reversing, the encounter prompts a vow to never experience that situation again, leading you to avoid those thoughts, feelings, and behaviors altogether.
In addition to re-enacting and reversing, the type of household you grew up in plays a significant role in the presence of unwanted sexual behaviors. According to Jay Stringer in his book Unwanted, people from withdrawn or strict households are more likely to struggle with sexual sin.
Withdrawn or disengaged households are characterized by caretakers who largely avoid emotional closeness. Were you given the sex talk (more than just once)? Did you feel free to ask questions about sex and desire? Did your parents engage with you on a deep emotional level? Children who grow up in environments lacking emotional engagement are more likely to turn to sexual behaviors in order to feel a sense of love and connection. If emotional conversations are foreign to you, deep connections can feel intimidating, making pornography seem more appealing and safe. Furthermore, children raised in emotionally neglectful households are more likely to become victims of abuse, which triggers the re-enacting or reversing crossroad.
Lastly, children who grow up in strict households often struggle with unwanted sexual behaviors. The high-pressure environment creates strain on the child which results in a need for an outlet. Pornography can provide a sense of acceptance without the need to meet any standards. Unfortunately, pornography use typically results in feelings of shame, which can create a fear of being “found out.” If the home does not promote grace, the child may feel forced to hide their struggles, increasing the likelihood that they will return to pornography use and thus perpetuate the cycle.
If you are a woman struggling with unwanted sexual desires, it has more to do with how you were raised than with the chromosomes you have. If how we enter into our struggles is not random, it is safe to say that how we navigate through them will not be random either. To find freedom and healing, you will need to identify patterns and work through painful experiences. Sexual sin is a brokenness problem, not a gender problem.